Piranha 3DD: A Belated Review

If there’s one thing that Piranha 3DD has a lot of, its boobs. Forget technique, forget cinematography, forget plot, this movie banks on sex to sell and that’s all there is to it. For anyone who holds out any hope that this movie will be anything other than a cheap spinoff of the 2010 surprise hit of the same name (with one less D), this early, I urge you to put down that DVD because you will just be sorely disappointed.

After the Piranha attack that killed thousands of college kids partying at Lake Victoria, the creatures strike anew, this time at a lake near the Big Wet, a water camp being marketed as a haven for swimmers who are fond of adult entertainment. Long story short, unscrupulous businessman Chet (David Koechner) tries to make more profit out of his water park and save money by tapping into the lake as a water supply for his pools. Of course, things go awry at the opening when the Piranhas find way into the pools.

Personally, I think that had I not thought that the first Pirahna movie was a passable horror, I would not have given this gimmicky sequel a chance at all. And even by lowered standards, I thought this flick was a sloppy, senseless horror flick that gave me nightmares for all the wrong reasons — because it was horrible, period. Where did this movie go wrong? Let me count the ways.

Movies like this are created for the same reason that Chet converted his family-oriented water camp into an adult fantasy playland. The movie is selling skantily clad women who parade around with no purpose for half of the movie and for the other half, audiences have to deal with watching an unsympathetic heroine (Danielle Panabaker) as she makes one stupid choice after another, just to kill time and move the story along. Some stars from the sequel come back to make short appearances in this movie but audiences will notice that their appearances don’t make any impact (or relevance) at all because by this time, pretty much nobody cares what happens.

I liked the inclusion of David Hasselholf who plays himself. He pokes fun at his current status as a former A-lister who has to resort to guest lifeguarding in a irreputable water park to eke out a living. And to give the movie some semblance of credit, the CGI was not half bad.

All in all, even if Piranha is a horrible movie for a big budget production, its still not the worst I’ve seen (Hit and Run still holds the crown for me). In my honest opinion, I thought it was super cheesy (bad cheesy) as in bordering on annoying and not Drag Me to Hell entertaining.

Perhaps, depending on one’s taste, it could be good for some thrills for some. Just not me. I thought it was a waste of time, and I write this entry to warn you against it, as a public service.

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